Marriage is never about perfection, but bliss. While perfection suggests a state of flawlessness, bliss on the other hand, is just about happiness. As spouses, we are all under a marital vow to lead our marriages to success, but of course, not without the involvement of our life partners.
In marriage, the two spouses are expected to place the well-being of the other partner ahead of theirs. To know how one fares in this journey is important, hence the need for periodic marital appraisal.
Now what's an appraisal?
Simply put, appraisal is evaluation. It's the act of checking if one is making some progress or achieving their set goals. In the context of marriage, it's asking one's spouse to evaluate the marital experience. This is done in the friendliest of ways devoid of fears, judgement, condemnation, criticisms, blackmails and reprisals.
Here is how to go about marital appraisals:
1. Both spouses should sit down in the mood of intimacy (please no sex).
2. Create an atmosphere of fun.
3. Ask the other partner to give you a fair assessment of yourself as a spouse and father:
#As a spouse:
A. Love check
B. Emotional connection check
C. Attention check
D. Communication check
E. Sex check
F. Conflict resolution skills check
G. Spiritual life and spiritual activities check
#As a parent:
A. Love for family check
B. Parent-children relationship check
C. Family provision check
4. Accept your spouse's appraisal of yourself in good faith.
5. Thank the other partner for their sincerity over their appraisal.
6. Take actions concerning the score card.
A. Apologize to your spouse for the "revealed" lapses to you.
B. Make concerted efforts to improve on areas where needed.
That's it!
Sometime ago, I asked my wife to appraise me, to tell me how I have been faring as a spouse. Although in her evaluation she praised me in some areas, but in the other areas she made me realize the many things I wasn't getting right and how I was hurting her through them. I was very surprised. I apologized to her and promised to work on those areas. In some areas, I solicited for her help. Later, I also appraised her. The same scenario happened. I praised her and she also apologized to me. We started learning to live as spouses with less troubles and emotional damages.
Many people don't understand that spouses have emotions and that sometimes those emotions could be hurt by our behaviours intentionally or unintentionally. Marital appraisal helps us address the lapses and at the same time make commendations. As a spouse, it's insensitive, uncharitable and callous to play with the other partner's feelings or take them for granted.
In this part of the world, because of deficient knowledge about marriage, the emphasis is only on being married. But being married isn't the same as being happily married. They are two different things, no wonder many of us are just married but not happily married. Please understand that.
Now I must tell you the "missing puzzle" in many marriages: Friendship. Friendship adds FUN to the marital experience. Friendship between the two spouses can only be achieved when the two spouses bond so much emotionally. Two spouses can't bond so much when they have not achieved that level of intimacy where they're ONE. If oneness is missing in a marriage, many good things that happen in other people's marriages will only be like mirage to them. There's no marriage that can't be sweet and happy.
Today, I am inviting all the married in the house to REWRITE the narratives of their marriages. Stop making excuses for the failures in your marriages. Sit down with your spouse and reinvent yourselves, and by extension your marriage. Your marriage will not crash.
You can achieve a successful marriage.
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Marriage